Blog 11

Ok… so this blog definitely goes along with my last one. I am from Oak Lawn which is around 99^th and Pulaski. But a lot of people that are southsiders grew up in a place called Beverly, that is about 5 minutes form where I live. The people who grew up there are the most hardcore southsiders that have ever lived! When people ask them where they are from they can actually say Chicago because Beverly is technically in Chicago. When I say im from Chicago, someone from Beverly would definitely call me out and say that im from a suburb of Chicago! To understand how extremely hardcore these southsiders are I will share with you something that is quite ridiculous. So … everyone has read something like 10 reasons you know you are Irish. Or something along those lines… well someone from Beverly decided to take this a little too far! Here are 500 reasons how you know you are form Beverly!

U No Ur From Beverly if.............

1.You know what a "bev rat" is. 2. When you meet people, you ask them where they are from and they tell you their parish. example: Fisher, Barnabas, CK 3. But, you usually don't have to ask where people are from because you know them or you know of them through grade-school-like stories you have heard about their problems, sex-lives, or you are just related or are family friends. 4. By the time you were in 5th grade you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend and went to Taco Bell on dates, by 8th grade you had gotten with or gone out with over half of your grade. 5. If you are not Irish, then you are black. 6. Your older siblings (or friends' older siblings) bought you beer when you were in 6th grade. 7. You have had a beer with your family and neighbors at family parties or block parties.! 8. You have a favorite park, and you think that kids who hung out at any other park are"trash" or scumbags. 9. You think anyone from Morgan Park is a scumbag. (AND UNLESS THIS MEANS THE SCHOOL, I RESENT THAT) 10. Anyone from Mount Greenwood is TRASH. 11. If you did not go to a Catholic school than you are an offical weirdo. 12. You own a white hat, if you are a boy, you own 4. 13. You own a Illinois shirt. 14. When you heard Cork and Kerry burnt down, you were pissed off. 15. You know what the purple cow is, and you are pissed it left. 16. You have been to Mr. Sub over 100 times. 17. Before you turned 16, you walked everywhere, and even after you turned 16 you still walked everywhere. 18. You have an alcoholic in your family. 19. Your dad and/or relatives are Chicago police officers or firefighters. 20. You drive or used to drive a mini-van, an Oldsmobile, or a Taurus. 21. The Metra/Rock Island is the only way to go downtown. 22. Marist boys are pussys. 23. Mt. Carmel boys are jocks. 24. Rice boys are nice boys. 25. AYSO, that is all I have to say. 26. Your parents are friends with your friends' parents. 27. The plazoo. 28. The only place you go to in the plazoo is Carson's. 29. If you go to Ridge Mall, you see at least 3 people that you know, whether you want to or not. 30. If you go to Orland Mall you see at least 2 people that you know, whether you want to or not. 31. You know what and where Charlies was 32. When you cross Longwood to Prospect, you are on the shady side of the tracks. 33. You are fucking cool. 34. You still remember the price of a hot dog, fries, and small pop from Red's. 35. You put cheese on everything at Janson's, even the milkshakes. 36. You've shoveled snow or mowed lawns for beer money or money for a sack 37. You caddied at Beverly or Ridge (even if it was for only a week). 38. Grateful fucking Dead! 39. You were close to suicide when 94.7 and 103.5 changed formats within a matter of weeks. 40. You own at least one tie-dyed shirt. 41. Your favorite day of the year is the South Side Irish Parade, even though you can't remember the last time you actually saw the parade. 42. You've been arrested by the same District 22 cop more than once. 43. You still argue over who had the better grammar school football team (St. Cajetan). 44. You have a "local weirdo," e.g. Dangerous Don, Physical Phil, BarryFinkel, Crazy Pete, etc. 45. Beers like Rolling Rock and Heineken are just for special occasions. 46. You've learned that Old Style isn't that bad. 47. You reminisce about when cigarettes still cost under $3. 48. You started smoking when you were 11, smoked Marlboro Reds to be cool, then realized they were causing your inability to breath in the morning, and are now a Marlboro Medium, Light, Camel Light, or Newport person. 49. If you have $10, you're set for the night. 50. You think suburbanites just don't get it. 51. You name your dog after an alcoholic beverage. 52. You're a pussy if you play softball with a glove. 53. You've only visited a cemetary to have a keg there. 54. You've been stopped by railroad cops. 55. You've jumped on a freight train to get home before your curfew. 56. You know the Seeley Speedway. 57. They know your name at Burrito Station. 58. You got runs for beer at Tony's, Morand 's, or Town Liquor from the time you were in sixth grade until senior year of high school. 59. You collected "cromers." 60. You've been kicked out of Ridge Country Club for sledding. 61. You worked for Mayor Daley's Jumping Jacks. 62. You worked at County Fair. 63. Your brother's friend's uncle's dog's sister's owner's neighbor knows a guy who... 64. You do something wrong and your mom finds out about it before you even get home. 65. You've climbed the Green Monster in Kennedy Park. 66. You've fallen off the Green Monster in Kennedy Park. 67. Turkey Bowls. 68. You had the same teachers as your dad did in high school. 69. You've been going to McNally's since you graduated high school. 70. You get pissed when someone from the suburbs says they're from Chicago. 71. You still wear your little league jerseys. 72. You were a memeber at Popcorn Video... and maybe still are. 73. If you're 99rish and even 1 omething else, you're considered a Polock, Dego, etc. 74. You know what percent Irish you are. 75. You've eaten at Fielo's. 76. You got to know kids a year, two, or three older than you by cigarette runs. 77. You have at least two giant black garbage cans. 78. You've stolen pumpkins from County Fair in the fall. 79. You've been arrested or caught for busting pumpkins in alleys. 80. You have an alley. 81. You've drank in your alley. 82. All the females in your family either go or went to McAuley. 83. You know the smell behind DiCola's. 84. You've managed to fit at least six people in a Chevy Nova. 85. Your uncle got you that job. 86. Your name is carved on a bench at Kennedy, Monroe, or Beverly Park. 87. Your name is written in t he cement on a sidewalk. 88. You've delivered a pizza to your own house. 89. Your fake ID is your older brother's/sister's expired license. 90. You buy your beer at 7-11. 91. You got in a fight because your girlfriend/boyfriend heard from their friend that some girl/guy was talking shit about her/him. 92. You know what beer in the fridge is your dad's, so you'll steal the other stuff. 93. You've carried beer in a bookbag. 94. You've brought out a "variety pack." 95. You have a "Beverly Hills 60655" or "60643" shirt. (60643 is better) 96. You've been telling the same story about the "greatest cop chase ever" for years. 97. Your girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you with one of your friends while you were at the same party. 98. You make fun of the Cubs for sucking so bad 99. You know at least one person named Sullivan. 100. You make fun of younger kids for doing the exact same thing you did at that age. 101. Your girlfriend/boyfriend is a former girlfriend/boyfriend of at least two of your best friends. 102. There's a cul-de-sac on your block for no fucking reason. 103. You steal firewood from out in front of 7-11 or Kean. 104. You've done the "Western Walk." 105. You know what a "roon" is. 106. You know what a "stonny" is. 107. You still live with your parents, even though you're 25, but you're gonna get your own place once you get that job from your buddy and get some cash together. 108. You find it hard to go through a whole conversation without saying the word "dude" less than twenty times. 109. Your grandma lives on your block. 110. You have names for the raccoons in your garbage cans. 111. You got with that fat chick at that party last weekend. 112. You know that you can see the fireworks without actually going to Ridge C.C. 113. You clean your pool about once a month in the summer. 114. Your family actually puts up holiday lights for holidays other than Christmas. 115. You've actually found what channel they televise the South Side Irish Parade on (I think it's something like Ch. 164) and opted to stay home and watch it there. 116. You are or are related to a Rugby player. 117. You leave the phone off the hook during a Bears game or ND game. 118. You've "borrowed" beer from someone's back porch. 119. You've thrown a party at someone's house when they weren't home. 120. You're one of two types of Church-goers: every Sunday or just X-mas and Easter. 121. You saw some kid riding your bike that got stolen three years ago. 122. You've ridden a bike with a case of beer in one hand. 123. Your dad knows George Wendt. 124. You still wear that Bulls '93 World Champions shirt. 1 25. When asked what your favorite sport is, you reply, "Ultimate Frisbee." 126. You've had a beer with a former football coach. 127. You've bought a car from your neighbor. 128. You ignore the stop signs between 103rd and 107th and Talman. 129. This is a typical phone conversation: "Wud up?" "Shit." "Where you going tonight?" "Probably McNally's." "Cool, see ya there." 130. You know your way around the Dan Ryan woods in the dark. 131. You've swam in Kennedy Park pool at 1am. 132. Your car has at least one of the following problems: driver's-side door doesn't open; passenger-side window doesn't roll down; left tail light is out; 36 cigarette burns in the back seat; radio only tunes in to the Spanish station; needs to warm up for 15 minutes even in the summer; reverse gear is actually the neutral gear; no neutral gear. 133. You share ownership of a car with a sibling. 134. You know the quickest way to Mt. Carmel without taking the Dan Ryan. 135. You attend at least five weddings a year. 136. You swear that someone famous used to live in your house. 137. You get into a fight in a different neighborhood, make one phone call, and within ten minutes you have fifty people to back you up. 138. Your knuckles are no longer aligned correctly. 139. You know girls tougher than you. 140. Your friend's mom taught you in grammar school. 141. You've worn the same pair of shoes for at least two years. 142. Every summer you have a different job. 143. You have a friend on house arrest. 144. If you have a dog, your backyard has pieces of dogshit in it older than you. 145. You have tools in your garage that have never been used. 146. My old man can beat up yours. 147. Your mom cooks the best _____ __ . 148. The only place you've ever seen a concert is at The World. 149. You let people from EP think they're from Chicago. 150. You've had some part of your body shaved when passed out. 151. You wear a scapular, even if you didn't go to Carmel. 152. You know what a scapular really means. 153. You think the Bears really have a shot at winning the Super Bowl this year. 154. You have Fox's phone number on speed dial. 155. You only get two of the four movie channels. 156. You eat dinner at a friend's house at least once a week. 157. You're out of high school and still go to sleep overs. 158. You normally get home when the newspaper is being delivered. 159. You go bowling, but only at Laredo because they'll sell you beer. 160. You golf, but only 9 holes at Marquette. 161. You're just gonna spend a year at Morraine Valley, then you're gonna go to U of I. 162. You know that the cameras in County Fair don't point at the meat section. 163. You've walked with twenty of your friends to go beat up Trashballs. 164. You're so proud of the South Side Irish song, yet you don't know the words. 165. You've organized a keg in the woods but had to cancel it for lack of a tap. 166. You've forged notes from your parents to buy cigarettes. 167. You have a fake ID, but you won't buy beer with it because you're afraid of getting it taken. 168. "Knock on wood" is more powerful than God. 169. You listen to rap, but would never let your parents find out. 170. You know where your old dog is buried. 171. You just quit smoking yesterday... but let me bum just one off ya. 172. Every Sunday you swear you'll never drink again. 173. You only have $6 and give serious thought as to whether you should buy smokes or a 12-pack of Busch Light. 174. Out of courtesy, you ask everyone around you if they're Polish before telling a Polish joke, and tell it anyway, even if someone is. 175. You can't count the times you've heard "I'm not racist-- I just don't like black people". (Don't get pissed at me for that one. People say it all the time.) 176. You take your car out at night, but have no plans on driving it home. 177. You know where Al Capone used to be buried. 178. You went to school at "The Castle." 179. You've taken the bus to the woods. 180. You live a block away from the bar, but were still too drunk to find your way home. 181. A tear comes to your eye when you hear an Ice Cream truck. 182. You try to convince your friends that a three mile walk isn't that far. 183. Someone has a party, and the whole neighborhood knows about it. 184. You only applied to colleges in the state of Illinois. 185. You're 21 and still ask your parents for money when you go out. 186. You regularly say, "C'mon, I'm getting paid next week. Just spot me tonight." 187. You regularly say, "C'mon, _______ owes me $20. Just spot me tonight." 188. You own "Skeletons in the Closet." 189. Your family has a cottage in Michigan, Indiana, or Wisconsin. 190. You think someone is "fake." 191. You've called your older brother, sister, or cousin from a payphone to come and buy you beer. 192. You'll still hang out at a park because "it's not raining that hard." 193. You've been designated for "Cop watch." 194. You have a shamrock tattoo somewhere on your body. 195. You show everyone you meet how you're double-jointed. 196. The only birthdays you care about are 16, 18, and 21. 197. When in a hurry, deodorant suffices as a shower. 198. No matter how old you are, you're afraid to drink/smoke in front of adults. 199. You think Tim Baffoe has way too much time on his hands. (shut up, my clases are done for the day!) 200. You will write back to Tim Baffoe saying "..___ is stupid," "..___ isn't true," or "I'm ..___," even though they pretty much all apply to you somehow. 201. High school was and always will be more fun than college (college sucks, get over it). 202. You're in college and still go to high school parties. 203. You consider St. Patty's Day two different days-- March 17th and the Parade Day. 204. You celebrate both those days. 205. You've already forgotten that the Rhino Bar used to be Coach's Corner. 206. You know that Keegan's isn't an extension of Cork and Kerry. 207. You live East of Western Ave. and say that those who live West of Western are West Beverlians or East Mt. Greenwoodians, and neither is true. 208. You never buy your favorite beer because $10 for a twelve-pack is bullshit. 209. Your car is fucked up, but you opt to either just not drive it or keep driving it and hope the problem will fix itself. 210. You've ridden in the trunk of your friend's car. 211. You know what "double gun" is. 212. You refuse to sit "bitch." 213. You'd rather not call your parents from the police station and just spend the night there. 214. You'll beat up someone for drinking Hootch or Zima. 215. You have yet to miss a Fisherfest. 216. You have yet to actually spend any money at Fisherfest. 217. You'd kill for a bowl of cream of chicken soup from Swanson's. 218. You've snuck in the porno section of Village Video. 219. The first thing you talk about at the beginning of a night is that evening's Simpson's or Seinfeld rerun. 220. You understand the sheer ecstasy of putting those wooden reindeer on someone's lawn at X-mastime in a sexual position. 221. You've been beaten up by a 40 year old man for hitting his car with a snowball. 222. You pre-game before a party. 223. Every year, starting in high school, you go out one hour later at night than the previous year. 224. You're still amazed every summer when it stays light out until at least 8pm. 225. You've gone "pool-hopping." 226. You have after-hours after going to a bar. 227. You'll order Milano's just because of the free 2-liter of RC. 228. Ding-Dong-Ditching never gets old. 229. The corner of your block is a designated baseball field. 230. No matter where you are, you can always hear one of your parents calling you from the front porch. 231. We can drink in your basement tonight cuz your mom's sleeping and your dad won't be leaving Ding Batt's until 1:30 am. 232. You know you can actually buy a case of beer from Ding Batt's. 233. It's amazing if a car has a CD player. 234. It's amazing if the CD player works. 235. Waldo Cooney's has a damn good calzone. 236. Your barber shop is just someone's name, e.g., John's, Russ's, etc. 237. You used to have a buzz cut from May until September every year. 238. Your definition of music is "The Boss." 239. A tennis court is more of a hockey rink. 240. You went to high school with that guy. 241. The name sounds familiar. 242. Regular Nintendo is the best system ever made. 243. You still have Nintendo. 244. You've passed out on the way up your steps. 245. You swear to God you didn't piss your pants last night. 246. You tell your parents that your clothes smell like smoke because your friends were smoking, not you. 247. You tell your parents that your clothes smell like beer because your friends were drinking, not you. 248. Your basketball hoop is bent because you used to lower it to six feet so you could dunk and hang on it. 249. Your middle name is Joseph or Patrick if you're a boy and Marie or Anne if your a girl. 250. You went to Lexington College (used to be between Joe Bailey's and County Fair). 251. Hair gel is considered a form of treason. 252. You argue over which model Air Jordan was the best. (gotta be the '93's!) 253. "Paper, Scissors, Rock" settles all arguments. 254. You used to say cell-phones were for pussies... 255. You act like you know everything about downtown Chicago, yet you only go there for the Taste and couldn't find your way from Congress to Balbo if to save your life. 256. Your carpool to high school consisted of the driver honking fifty times outside your house, you running out half-dressed, smoking five cigarettes on the way to school, taking a ten minute nap, and bitching at the kid who never pays for gas. 257. You give lectures to youngsters on why your high school is the best. 258. You were gonna go, but you didn't have a ride. 259. In your group of friends, you are known as: the athlete, the funny one, the drunk, the badass, the crazy one, the dumb one, the ugly one, the fat one, the tall one, the quiet one, or the smart one. 260. You didn't know how to email until you got to college. ('tis true) 261. You're just going to college for two years, then you're gonna take the fireman's exam. 262. You tried to hate rap as long as possible, but finally gave in. 263. You debate over which is superior-- Burrito Station or El Guyo. 264. You could go for some Mr. Sub right about now. 265. You love "Braveheart" because it was almost Irish. 266. If you died, you could be identified by your hat. 267. The only Sox games you go to are the half-price Monday night games. 268. You didn't go to Cajetan, but you go to their Teen Club to play basketball. 269. You drive at least five miles per hour slower in the suburbs. 270. You were at Abby's house for New Year's Eve, what? four years ago. 271. You're going to buy the new Dick's Picks. 272. You know what number Dick's Picks it is (what are there, like 40 now?). 273. You're dad is a cop, which makes you immune to all police. 274. You broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend five times this month. 275. You can tell exactly who farted just by the smell. 276. You bitch about how concerts suck at "The Tweeter Center," yet still go to them. 277. You went into college as a business major, but that was way too hard, so you've decided to become a teacher. (Kevin Baffoe, I'm looking at you...) 278. You're only becoming a teacher to coach high school football. 279. You've been in college for at least two years and still haven't declared a major. 280. You've ever ditched school to go to the zoo. 281. Your dog died five years ago, but your house still smells like you have it. (Pat Roche, I'm looking at you...) 282. Dave Matthews is God. 283. Dave Matthews is the Antichrist. 284. Nobody lets you sleep at their place because you have a tendency to piss yourself. 285. You've pissed yourself while standing up. (Tom Dineen, I'm looking at you...) 286. Your pool is green (Bonners!) 287. If you pass out at a party, you're either getting a haircut, a leg shave, or facial artwork. 288. You were just gonna have a couple dudes over to drink, but now there's even people from Canaryville at your house. 289. You have a personal moment of silence every August 9th. (that's when Jerry died, dumbass) 290. You only go to Reilly's Daughter because you think you might have a chance at getting with a hot suburban girl/guy. 291. You can get at least ten guys to sing just by saying, "You never close your eyes..." 292. You call the apartment complex next to Tony's Liquor "The Projects." 293. Your neighbor won't tell on you for having a party if you give him a beer. 294. The only pop in your house is that County Fair brand shit. 295. When driving, you aim for squirrels. 296. You follow "Deuce." 297. You defend your high school by naming all the famous people who went there. 298. You swear that Jenny McCarthy used to babysit for you. 299. Your late fee at Blockbuster is so high that you could've bought the damn movie three times. 300. You buy smokes from your friends. 301. You would have won that fight if that kid didn't hit you from behind. 302. You were the greatest running back ever in the Southwest Conference. 303. You friends always tell you your brother/sister/mom is hot. 304. A CTA bus only comes by a stop five times a day. 305. You're happy when an old lady dies in the neighborhood because your brother or sister is looking to buy a house. 306. You've owned at least five dogs. (Kevin Earley, I'm looking at you...) 307. Your cable is almost legal. 308. Somebody just stole your lighter. 309. You go to a bar with no money and still manage to get shitfaced. 310. You have a garage, but a car has never been parked in it. 311. You put a sign in your driveway on the parade day that says "Parking." 312. You put a sign in front of your house on the parade day that says "No Parking." 313. Your credit card bill reads "McNally's-- $50, Sean's Rhino Bar-- $75, etc." 314. The greatest prophet ever is Homer Simpson. 315. You've caught the cops that patrol the parks having sex in the squad car. 316. Their are two sets of volleyball rules: the real ones and the Kennedy Park ones. 317. A park can be a golf course. 318. If Canoe was a real sport, you'd go pro. 319. You've heard the joke already. 320. You told that joke wrong. 321. You have the biggest dick in the world. (oh, wait, that goes under "You might be Kevin Knibbs if...") 322. Whenever you're in your car and in a hurry, you get stuck by a train. 323. Nobody knows your first name. 324. You gotta go to court tomorrow. 325. Frank Carey's dad is your lawyer. 326. You enlisted in the Marines after the World Trade Center attacks just so you could kill those bastards, not realizing that boot camp lasts a couple months and the war will probably be over by the time you graduate. (umm... no, still going on) 327. You don't know your parents' or siblings' birthdates. 328. You've opened Christmas presents the night before ever since you were five. 329. Every time you get drunk, you wake up the next morning unexplainably naked. 330. Your friends still make fun of you for getting with that one guy/girl five years ago. 331. Instead of buying the CD, you'll just tape the songs off the radio. 332. You thought you were good at basketball until you got to high school. 333. You have a specific route driving everywhere. 334. One year counts as almost graduating college. 335. You've never done your own laundry. 336. The car accidents are never your fault. 337. You crashed the car when you were 14. 338. You have to drink at least twelve beers before you go to the bar. 339. If she says no, she's obviously a lesbo. 340. Sweet Baby Ray's goes well with everything. 341. Your parents get a new car, but you tell your friends "you" got a new car. 342. You've been living at a friend's house for over a year. 343. You work with your Old Man. 344. Your first words to the bartender are "What's cheap tonight?" 345. You've used your BB-gun to break up a party. 346. Your birthday lasts from the weekend before to the actual day. 347. You go to a bar to celebrate the 21st birthday of someone you don't know. 348. Your girlfriend/wife picks out your Christmas presents for your family. 349. Joe Bailey's was a classy restaurant. 350. You have overdue library books from eighth grade. 351. Your parents don't except the fact that you drink at your high school graduation party. 352. You remember when the stalls in the bathrooms at Carmel didn't have doors. 353. You actually take dumps in your high school's bathrooms. 354. You walk in your friend's houses without knocking. 355. Your doorbell is broken. 356. If your car's fucked up, you call your buddy from Mt. Greenwood. 357. You can run the 40-yard-dash in 4.2 seconds when there's a cop behind you. 358. No matter what time it is, you call up the same friend every night to go out, and he/she always "still has to take a shower." 359. An hour later, that same friend still hasn't gotten in the shower. 360. You wore those clothes last night. 361. You wake up every morning with mysterious cuts or bruises. 362. You always have to ask a friend what you did last night. 363. Your friend tells you what you did last night, and you ask how many people saw it. 364. Your friends with girlfriends/boyfriends are all whipped... until you get one, and, of course, you're not. 365. "Guys'/Girls' Night Out" is fun until everyone is drunk, and then it's a "Sausage Fest" or "whatever girls call it when there's no guys." 366. Your girlfriend/boyfriend is such a bitch/asshole. 367. You forgot to pick up your _____ from the train. 368. You're the only good driver you know. 369. The designated driver is anyone who's had less than twelve beers or the only kid with a car. 370. Your report card must have got lost in the mail. 371. The only time you pray is when you're in a situation with the cops. 372. Every night you "don't feel like going to a bar," and, next thing you know, it's last call. 373. You say "Fuck TR's" until McNally's decides to card you. 374. You're waiting for your friend to walk out and give you an ID. 375. It's been an hour, but you continue to wait. 376. You'll never marry someone that hot. 377. The girl/guy you ridiculed in grammar school is now gorgeous, but won't talk to you. 378. You meet a guy for the first time and introduce him to others as your "buddy." 379. It's only cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend when you get caught. 380. You always get caught cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend. 381. When you go to pick up pictures you took from a night out, the person behind the counter looks at you with disgust. 382. Your friend's parents hate you. 383. You answer the phone and tell your friend you'll call them back because your parents are right there. 384. You've never given your parents a phone message. 385. If someone calls for your brother/sister, "they're not home." 386. When you break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend, nobody is ever allowed to get with her/him again. 387. If the phone is for you, nine times out of ten that person is looking to buy pot. 388. You'll wear a T-shirt until it's under forty degrees outside. 389. You play sand volleyball with your shoes on. 390. You don't know the words to the song, but you'll sure as hell act like you do. 391. If you have any Italian in you, you tell people you have mob connections. 392. Nobody else can touch the radio in your car. 393. B-96? Are you serious? 394. The Loop? Are you serious? 395. Phish, bro! 396. You won't go within a fifty foot radius of a yellow lighter. 397. Nobody ever has change for a twenty. 398. Lemme get ends on that. 399. Lemme get dibs on that. 400. You'll go out tonight and try to tell your friends the previous 399, but won't remember more than ten and even screw those up. 401. You have a job, but never any money. 402. Your friend's girlfriend/boyfriend kissed you first, you swear. 403. Your fake ID is thirty pounds over your weight, five inches shorter than you, and named Alphonzo. 404. Before this season, you never really expected the Bears to win, and now it's some big shock when they lose. 405. You used to be a Bulls fan. 406. It doesn't matter who runs against Mayor Daley. 407. You've pissed on the side of your own house. 408. You buy a puppy assuming your parents will approve. 409. Every birthday or X-mas item you buy for your parents has something to do with Ireland. 410. In life, Halloween has stages: from ages 1-10, it's for trick or treating; from ages 11-15, it's for stealing little kids' candy and putting shaving cream on everything in site; from ages 16 and up, it's an excuse to dress up and get drunk. 411. You really think your ex wants to talk to you while you're drunk at 4am. 412. Your dentist asks you what the hell you drank last night. 413. You've dug through the couch cushions for change for cigarrettes. 414. You've told the gas station attendant "$2.87 on Pump 3." 415. When a friend in Beverly asks you to pick them up, you say only if they'll give you gas money. 416. Red Bull is nasty... unless it's with vodka. 417. When you go out, you argue who ate the best dinner that night. 418. Deodorant is as good as a shower. 419. There are pictures of you passed out and naked circulating through the neighborhood. 420. <-- This number was cool until junior year of high school. 421. You've got my shirt on. 422. You don't know how to make your bed. 423. Anyone you don't like is a homo. 424. You're so used to bed spins that they no longer effect you. 425. You've never had a haircut your friends didn't make fun of. 426. You know which beers will give you the shits in the morning. 427. When driving, you'll roll your window all the way down but have the heat on. 428. You bring more beers in your golf bag than clubs. 429. Every weekend a girl comes up to you at a bar or party asking why you didn't call her after last weekend. 430. You can never remember that girl's name. 431. Three generations of your family have been in McNally's at one time. 432. You can't dance sober. 433. You dance worse drunk. 434. When your high school had a dance, you'd tell your parents you were going and get dressed up, but really just go to a park and drink all night. 435. All the bottles in your parents' liquor cabinet are half-filled with water. 436. You only buy 40 oz.'s on school nights. 437. You've written a check for a pack cigarrettes. 438. You made your library card into a fake ID. 439. You consider at least three girls "Booty Calls." 440. You're never awake while the sun is out. 441. If all the piss makes it into the urinal, it's a big accomplishment. 442. You flip through channels and land on Full House. "This show is so gay," you think to yourself. Next thing you know, you've watched two episodes. 443. You don't think your goatee looks that bad. 444. Your University of South Carolina hat that says "COCKS" on it was cool about three years ago. 445. You always forget to take a dump before you go out at night, so you're screwed until tomorrow. 446. I didn't fart! 447. You swear your uncle was one of the drummers in Styx. 448. You like to mess with suburban kids by telling them you've been shot before. 449. You identify songs by what movie they're from. 450. You thought you were gonna go to school at Notre Dame University until you were about 17. 451. You use a passport as a fake I.D. 452. You're on your third college now. 453. You tell kids that aren't from Chicago, "Yeah, I went to high school with black kids," like it's some big deal. 454. You never realized how nice it was to have a car until you bought one, and then you totalled it. 455. You know where smokes are 35 cents cheaper than other places. 456. Sammy Sosa's on steroids. (give it up, ok?) 457. The bathroom's full at the bar, so you go out the back door. 458. You have no idea how you woke up in your neighbor's garden. 459. You're Irish even if you were adopted. 460. There are three types of booze: clear, brown, and Budweiser. 461. No way, man. I've had too much. Where's my car? 462. You take way too much advantage of Pat McGelligot at the Dubliner. 463. I am not from West Beverly, Goddammit! It's all one neighborhood, dickhead! 464. You've won the over/under on when a friend would piss himself. 465. That's not puke, man. I didn't eat anything tonight. That's all booze. 466. The only partner you share a bed with are the spins. 467. She didn't dump me, I dumped her, that bitch... why, have you seen her lately? How is she? She say anything about me? No? Good. Fuck her. 468. Picking up your car at noon in McNally's parking lot (while it's blocking cars from getting to the bank drive-thru) isn't unusual. 469. Cigarrettes are a sure-fire cure for constipation. 470. You could go pro in Golden Tee. 471. You have something bad to say about every one of your friends when they're not around. 472. You only need one excuse for anything you've ever done-- "Drunk as shit." 473. You could've got with that hottie. 474. Your way of getting a girl to go home with you is, "Yeah, I got my own room, and it's downstairs, so my parents won't hear anything." 475. You gotta wake up at 6a.m. to drive that girl home. 476. What the hell you talkin' to my girlfriend/boyfriend for, huh? Huh? Yeah, I didn't think so. 477. You go out at night in the mood to fight before you've had one drink. 478. You'll go out if there's "something to do." 479. The only time you sit down and eat with your whole family is on holidays. 480. You're in college, and someone asks you what year you are, you don't say Sophmore or Junior. You say "second" or "third." 481. You won't go to Dingbatt's cuz there's never any girls there. 482. You still call the Dubliner "Bucko's." 483. You've fallen asleep in an embarrassing position with fuzzy Cinemax on. 484. You've stolen a golf cart from Ridge C.C. 485. I gave you ten bucks! What the hell did you get me cans for? I said bottles, dumbass! Where's my change then? 486. When traveling northbound toward 103rd and Talman, you turn left at 102nd to avoid that shitty light. 487. You swear to God you've met Urlacher. 488. There's three types of laundry: dirty, wearable, and what your mom hasn't gotten around to washing yet. 489. You get home at 6a.m. and decide to watch a little Sportscenter before bed. 490. Thank God there are only ten of these left. 491. You'll go to Reilly's Daughter now cuz they finally sell Bud products. 492. You get looks of disgust for having a shitty bean-bag set. 493. There are two types of softball players: those who can play anywhere and catchers. 494. You'll pee in your friend's industrial sink cuz he doesn't have a bathroom in his basement. 495. You think you got a scar? Shit, I can beat that... 496. You won't drive home drunk... unless you got some gum or mints. 497. You're definitely gonna move out to Colorado someday. 498. You know three card games: Asshole, Hockey, and Circle of Death. 499. You got arrested because you gave the cop a fake name and it happened to be the cop's nephew. 500. You can make up ..500, but it won't be as good as the first 499.